Recovery

Last year around this time I seriously embarked on beginning a leadership development business.  Principals4Leadership.  A business to provide coaching, training, and speaking to new and aspiring leaders.  I was excited and began working on a format and building content.  I started strong and had written several blogs, a few published and many unpublished.  I lost my confidence and I lost it bad.  I lost it working in a toxic environment.  Someday when I am ready, I will write about that journey but for now, I am focused on recovering and regaining my confidence.  The following blog I wrote during my healing process and now 6 months later, I am ready.  I am ready to share, teach and inspire.

I am a student of all thing’s leadership. I collect and read books, listen to podcasts, attend professional conferences, collect quotes, and teach about leadership. But with all that knowledge of how leadership should look, feel, and sound nothing prepared me for working in a toxic environment. So toxic that I began to take on the toxic traits from others. It didn’t matter what I knew or who I was as a person. The stakes were high and there was huge pressure that my livelihood would be being taken away from me. The toxicity invaded me and then unintentionally oozed out from me. Something had to give and what gave was my physical and mental health. I am rebuilding who I am as a leader but had to take care of few things first.

I am and have been a highly effective leader. I had to dig deep and find that leader in me again, but first healing. Healing from a toxic work environment takes time. First, the physical health comes first. Working in a toxic work environment can cause a huge amount of stress.  Two years ago, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I wonder now if that is when the first signs of the effects of stress were surfacing. Studies have shown that stress contributes to cancer growth. That same year I was treated for breast cancer I also had to have a parathyroid removed because was wreaking havoc on the calcium levels in my body. I developed stress hives and most recently RLS (restless leg syndrome) with at times, crippling leg cramps. My health was failing at every turn and luckily, I am being treated by a medical doctor who by the way believes that acute stress caused my ailments. So, my physical wellbeing came first. Afterall, health is wealth.

Next came mental health healing. I had to remove myself from the environment.  Switching jobs and going back to what I love and where I had been successful was vital for my recovery.  This was very painful for me because I believed I had accomplished so much, and my pride wasn’t letting go. Toxic work environments will not change unless the toxic leadership leaves.  I thought I could wait it out, but I could not. The toxicity caused me to take on toxic traits just-like-the-toxic leader. I was projecting the leader’s treatment of me to others. Now, some may say, if you were such a strong leader, you should have been able to be strong enough and shielded yourself and your team from all that. You were not mentally tough enough.  Well, I started out strong. I shielded my team from the toxicity but over time it wore on me. I became personally consumed by it and when I was so focused on my own survival, my team suffered. Despite my accomplishments and my pride, there came a point when walking away was the only thing I could do. 

Finally, I needed to heal spiritually and rediscover who I truly was as a leader.  I had to recognize where it all went wrong.  I had to realize what I needed to fix and bring back my leadership heart. I had to breath. I had to forgive myself and not beat myself up. I had to let go and move on. I brought back who I was as a person. I brought back who God created me to be and not the person I had become.

I am and always have been Wendy. I am fearless, courageous, smart, inspiring, and creative.

My leadership business is Principals4Leadership – Leadership Lessons from the Inside Out – Live, Learn, Love, and Lead.  This was my vision and dream a year ago and is now its even more fitting.  My plan is to share my experiences, learning, and lessons for others.  I want to connect with others because I believe it is important for leaders to share with one another.  Follow me this year as I share more.